I could tell you everyway
but my time is here to show
I creeped down past my car
and saw the taxi pull
peeped above and saw the frame
it seemed so clear to me
but it remained in fragmants in my mind
still won't find this night to hold the answers
I came to show
I could have told
You are my night
you are my day
let the furthers we stay
in arms way

i'm lying, not laying, don't be fooled.
for far too many people shouldn't know
that I'm a begger and a chooser
tempting myself to leave my shadow
because you know
I can't find my face in the crowd
I don't understand people
let alone relate to everything they want to be but aren't

tonight i'll share my sins with you
and we'll look back, rather gently,
but we both know it will push
and I'm all too ready to surrender
to hear that these defences won't be needed
I won't be able to recongnise you every night
when your falling away
I haven't seen this side and it's scary
i'll keep turning but it's just your past
and the past is repeating for far too long

I came second today, and it's all that i've got.

DELETED

Escaped the bubble that secured my world
I'm breathing, barely
but at least I still hope.
Don't dream I'll still say hi
I really have forgotten who you are

This is over. I'm out. It's been interesting, you have more blogs in your hands than time for.

You don't even care though.

Wamp

Droppin' my zine in a week or two. Contains no surprises so don't bat your eyelids too hastily.

This will probably be in it...yo?

Well worn creases in soft back couches
show me I'm not the first, tell me I'm not alone
Watching girls of my dreams
flirt with the dream of a boy
Who I tried to be.
Too tight tee's feel all too wrong
and the palms will shift over last season's jeans
trying to be all that I can be in teen blue eyes

Chasing misread signals from passed out queens
(what's wrong with that)
Sitting up all night, please, please,
let me be someone's wrong number
let their words have no meaning
carry the conversation, tangled with lies
this phonebook is endless
this chord is powerful
lets so how many we can dial
before my breath rings out

I'm burning out like her favourite star

I'm going to grab a fistful of dollars, a few broken trends and play nba jam all night long in the bar. Heaven isn't waiting on this scumbag for much too longer.

time to speak

I'm ready to throw it all away and I don't even care.



It wasn't my choice.

lazy grass repeat three's

third or so blog today, in the space of two hours. My mind is completely and utterly fucked. It's most likely procrastination due to exams but my mind is seriously at 88 miles per hour and about to leave this hour of time into god knows what time is programmed into my mind. I'd take a shot at 2005 and be that kid who had a thousand issues with the world but had a friend he could talk to about anything and everything. Never crossing one serious topic but always on the right foot ready to be smile. I used to smile so hard and pretend it would work out. God fucking dammit. Lowest of the low. I wish they didn't have the power to wipe the smile from my face and leave me with hope and no opportunity.

1am meant so much

It's not that the words don't mean as much, it's just that we've lost the time, lost that moment, or realised we're on two very different paths that will never again cross over each other. I struggle most days, to be quite honest. Priorities, I could never grasp, and will probably never. My heart and mind are always operating under separate operations. Wires must be short circuiting, or never really aligned. I'll break everything I love, repeatedly and yearn for it when it's too late.

fall asleep on a dusty mattress
broken springs distorting broken dreams
wide awake, harking back to 'those' times
when I was young and alone
you kept my company
in a neat little box
beside your bed
full of this and that
I could only talk to you
and that's still so true
but it's hard to talk
without a voice
without the heart
without my dreams
that I took away myself
so leave me alone
and let me watch you grow up
into that girl I always knew you were
I care, I do.
so much.
I'm proud, i swear
you're becoming everything
I'm not

I'll watch her walk by
and I know she won't forget
but I know she'll pretend
that it's all the same
and it's too hard to care.
I won't blame you.
Things only as clear as you make them
so don't tumble down
over the road you cannot see
it's not so smooth
but you'll get by
pushing others to to the ground
and i'll still be watching
still wishing
that our paths can meet today

big skies rain hard

drink your wine
and take your time
roll your eyes, again
and kiss me 'cos i'm late.

Activity 5.1

All the words just lost all meaning. Could no longer be articulated and deciphered to produce any real meaning. My textbook decided it no longer deserved me, ignoring it and whatnot.

Thursday night, St Kilda Library and I'm stuck on Introductory Accounting. Lets just be thankful I'll only ever have an introduction and won't be invited back to dinner, attend any weddings or panic when I can't remember birthdays. A blissful introductory acquaintance with a friend I could do without.

Sitting with the rejects, like myself, who depend on free internet, living arrangements which don't quite meet up with their own home's standards and the water chiller that's at such a purposeful height. It's more of a den for the strangers to meet at, ultimately how they would have twenty or so years ago when the air was more sweeter and opportunities were just that. Conversations erupt that could never be categorised by the dewey-decimal system or placed neatly on a shelf. But like these books, capture the imagination and the ear.

I know what tomorrow is. I tried, at least one could say. I really wish turning my back would actually happen. But I get to greedy and it's a perpetual lingering that tastes so sweet but clear to all but myself, burns when you expect it to rise. I really wish I could forget your name, or just believe that I did.

don't take this the wrong way

Like cutlery on teeth
I want to be your ongoing distraction
in my head
but not my arms
in your head
but not your heart

Here & There

I'm poor, alone and looking to fail uni. Ignore the previous and life is pretty swell. woah.

Six months ago if I was placed in this very situation I wouldn't be stable. I think I've grown up or possibly lost touch with my emotions. I saw a girl who used to make me smile. Now I just turn around and forget. I still want, I know, but I've learnt to deal with second best. Don't make it any more complicated than it already is.

I have $10 left until the 9th of June. Impossible? All apart of living away from home, I guess.

I want to cook for a girl, make her smile and fall asleep with the dishes still dirty. At least we'll be warm and content.

Postmarks

I'm not ready to move out.
Maybe home
I read a card, I cried.
I miss my mother.
Don't we all?

Is it just me or is what I desire so far from reality...



star light
bike ride
simple words
shy kids
dead hearts
you + me

I Swear There Was More

I'm tired of believing
in what I don't have
I'm tired of trying
to make it all be
This heart won't keep
forever in my mouth.
I'm scared this is it.


I'm haunted by....ghosts, yes, a ghost. I'm not a believer, trust me. Bourke Street, chills me. Train timetables, girls, boys, bags and toys. I can see...'it' and it's making me tremble. Not tremble...just pause, and reflect. Don't follow me, don't haunt me, don't even want me. I can't help seeing you in all of this. Memories have never tasted so real. You're in everything I've ever wanted, and it's haunting me...for now. Where will you be when I scream out your name?

Set Sail

I no longer ponder my life sitting on peninsula bus services packed with a population you often wonder where it all went wrong for them...

So uh um...

I now live in Malakoff Street, St Kilda East. Two minute walk from the lesser end of Chapel, but only a two minute walk to 'cultural' jive spot where I no doubt will be leaving frostbites mind numbingly drunk and on various powdered delicacies...all shh shh.

We don't have any power, or a fridge, toaster, microwave, couch etc etc so it's all fairly grim. I may actually get some study done in this upcoming weeks. Failure is the finest form of flattery I presume.

I do live across from this guy, on the far right, though...if that helps?

5 Things You Probably Don't Know

1) I'm unsure of what I want to do in life and I'm starting my third university degree with limited success. Tomorrow's the day I wake up and start again, and again.

2) I kissed a girl for the first time at 16. I think she knew my name, but not my story.

3) I don't know how to social interact. Friends are those who have yet to let you down, for now.

4) I'm always unsure of myself. I cannot hear my voice above the crowd

5) I moved to Melbourne for a girl, not to run away from one. We all lie so well.

simple

Clementine: This is it, Joel. It's going to be gone soon.
Joel: I know.
Clementine: What do we do?
Joel: Enjoy it.

Because I have nothing else

Procrastination is probably my closest friend, I'm a sucker for a fool.

I really can't get a grasp on uni this year. It's relevant, interesting and stimulating, the parts I do read or listen to, but I presume I need my life sorted out before I can bother learning and remembering anything new. My minds racing again and it's all due to this song, rather these lyrics.

I took the car out the other night and i could've just kept going i fucking swear
100k's from home and i was so fucking free
but then i starting thinking twice and couldn't leave it all behind
sick to death of the same old things that i just can't leave behind


I'm trying to create a niche, but my hands just aren't enough, alone. There are people in this world who used to be my everything and I just don't know where it went wrong. I guess I too, want to take a car and just keep driving, and driving. I don't even know if I'd miss these things anymore. I've already been hurt, but it's my own fault. So called karma, or just revenge, prevents me from having what I really want. I'm nothing special, or so I've heard.

I should be doing uni work, but all I'm doing is trying to forget about her. I'm doing ok, but it's this lifeless afternoons that wouldn't be so lifeless if I just didn't fuck up again, and again...and again.

Lost My Faith

Somehow, somewhere we're all paddling downstream
and I don't mean to alarm you,
but captain, captain,
we're full of desperation,
and we're sinking now more than ever.
The icy water swallows me whole,
but I can't bear to swallow the truth,
that it's colder than you ever were.
I was wrong.
In the dark sea I just couldn't grasp,
that on this night of anywhere,
I could be so lonely
when I'm completely surrounded
and faced with so many choices.
But you haunt my final memories.
This is no way to die,
I'm thinking about how to save 'us'
when I'm stuck myself.
January never felt so cold
I don't think this is right,
don't be stupid
you drove me here,
and I thought you'd climb on back,
but you turned away when I did to
and I was merely playing a game
come chase me back,
come hear me now.
I'm waiting for your hand
pull me from this wet grave.
Your voice chills me greater
than this sea could ever try.

Open Field (Track Two)

Across my chest you scrawled to say you loved him
I heard it from your lips you told him I was yesterday's news
A distant memory lingering out of sight.
My breaths have no weight anymore
And I'm on my last pack
A quick hit from a cheap pleasure
I only get smiles from morning vendors
Packet glistens as I grasp at the pack
I'll blow my hopes away and wish I had no dreams left lingering
Wasting time was never right said my father
He would be proud, if he bothered to care.

I often take liberties with these musings, don’t forget. This isn’t new, or possibly even captivating. I don’t mind, since the offset is I’m finally finding myself and for the first time I seem to truly mean it. This is simply a reminder that I set out to put out a zine, a collaboration with friends, but there were distractions and hiccups that proved to be too great to ignore. Someday this will eventuate but until then this will have to suffice. I’m finding it hard to ignore her, but each day that I do I continue to smile. My favourite memories of ‘us’ are the ones I’ve planned for and will never get to show you.

This comes off creepy, even second best, but I just want to be a friend you can hold. I'll turn off the light and somehow become embraced in a conversation of no real relevance, nor importance, but believe me; every word will mean more to me than these.

I remember when my shoulders weren't burdened with the weight of the world. I want exactly what we had before I met her.

Other Desires

I presume all my tribulations are exacerbated, and it’s neither devious nor cunning, but simply manifested out of pure frustration. Memories are forever ingrained upon us and success, to me, would be determined by how you operated under these qualms. To endure static memories of unspeakable happenings will undoubtedly be my downfall. I’m a failure in dealing with what was once reality; a cornucopia of disgruntled moments are simply spent trying to ignore these instances.

I find this ironic.

I believe the best things in life are yet to occur; well at least I sit tight and hope as my dreams could fill your heart, and more.

Interviews soon?

Journey

I can't sleep when I know I'm not nearly finished with this day.


I really don't know at times, and I'd be lying if I said I really don't care. There are times, like tonight, when I'll let the most minimal of moments of possible opportunity enter my head and make me become simply useless. Focus is a commodity I'm lacking and it's so far out of reach at this present moment. I'm not ready to care, but I could try, if she would simply reply.